Thoughts of my Heart

"Just remember that God has written His own story for you and it's not the feelings of your heart that it should be based upon but rather the thoughts of your heart that you need to hear.

That inner voice that tells you that this man will care for you no matter what, that he'll still want to kiss you when you're old and gray. Tend to you when you're sick. Honor you."

 -Marty, Loves' Enduring Promise

 Recently, my heart has been full of thoughts; thoughts of past, present and future.

Thoughts of Past: These last few weeks I've spent time reconnecting with old friends. It's been a needed step. As life takes it's natural course some friendships slowly unravel, others strengthen, and some just drift away as if they never were. I've been working on strengthening those unraveling relationships; the one's to which I don't dedicate enough time or effort. It's been a process of re-training myself to not be so selfish and to pour more of my emotional energy into these friendships. But they're worth it. These are the friends who will always be in my life; a constant reminders of better times and hopeful futures.

Thoughts of Present: Currently my heart and mind has been pulling in so many various directions; so many heart thoughts these days. My heart is full of hopes, dreams, doubts and worries. During this present time I'm learning trust and patience to be very hard life lessons. The song says, "Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word..." I'm finding that I've interpreted that song to mean "tis so EASY to trust in Jesus..."  Completely trusting Him is not the easiest of tasks. I find myself laying my worries in His highly capable hands and then taking them right back into my hands because I lack the patience in allowing Him to deal with them. When things aren't occurring in the time frame I want, I tend to want to take charge and worry those cares along MY CHOSEN path. However, I am quickly learning that when I take matters into my own frail hands I open the door for emotional, spiritual, and physical chaos. Patience is key when trusting Him with my present worries over my future.

Thoughts of Future: The future has been occupying most of my heart thoughts lately. I can't walk down a street, watch a movie, open a book, read FB or Twitter, or sit with my family without thinking about my future. The other day I opened a magazine and saw an advertisement for adoption. My heart about went into overdrive thinking about my child who is out there somewhere just waiting for their mom. Precious one, I'm coming,... Just keep waiting for me. My heart thinks about my unborn biological children. What will their names be? Which parent will they look like? I hope they're little rascals with terrific imaginations. I know they will have a great Dad because I'm waiting & praying for him to be. He will be a leader. He will be strong and wise. He will be kind, honorable and loving. He will laugh and cry with me. He will be one on whom I can lean and trust. He will be Christ-centered and kingdom minded. We will serve God with all that we have. We will work in ministry doing our part in rescuing the dying lives of those around us. We will be driven by passion and fueled with a desire for His will to be accomplished in us. 

These are the thoughts of my heart. They give me hope and purpose because I know the One who holds my life in His hands. Sometimes I forget to trust Him with my heart thoughts. Sometimes I try to skip ahead in my story. But He IS patience and He has trust in me because He designed me. And God does NOT create junk.

And knowing this great, wonderful, beautiful, hopeful fact, I pull a Mary, Mother of Jesus & "hold these things in my heart." I hold onto these thoughts of past, present, & future and I hold them close.

I learned the hard way…

“I learned the hard way…

And my heavy heart sinks deep down”

– Sara Bareilles

Lessons learned the hard way…

It could have been so much easier to just listen to the wise voices

Instead I chose to make my own way, path, mistakes.

Repeatedly they tried to tell me

Step away from that path,

It’s death to you.

I didn’t listen.

Stubbornly insisting I could make it.

I made it …

Barely.

I stumbled half dead from the erroneous path

Dodging the poisoned darts

Thrown in attempts to mortally wound me.

Falling onto the arms of those all knowing ones.

Lessons learned.

I could have avoided these scars

If only I would have listened

To those wise knowing ones in my life.

Could have avoided this sick pain.

This embarrassment, this shame.

However,

I’m stronger now.

I’m slightly wiser.

I know now to listen

when wisdom screams her warnings.

Sadly, I had to learn it the hard way.

Some say that’s the only way to learn.

I disagree.

It’s long hard way to learn.

Or you could take the shortcut

And listen to those around you.

Odds are they took the long way

They have scars & bruises to show

Listen to them.

Hear their hard earned wisdom.

Chose how you will learn your lesson.

It could be as easy as taking the time to

Honestly listen to those voices around you.

The lesson is still going to be there…

You have the power to decide

How you will learn it

The easy or the hard way.

“If you learn from your suffering, and really come to understand the lesson you were taught, you might be able to help someone else who's now in the phase you may have just completed. Maybe that's what it's all about after all...”

My kind of Day

It's one of those days...

Grey, rainy, quiet.

Makes a girl want sweatpants, a baggy tee, &  sloppy hair caught up in a headband.

A comfy pair of mismatched socks & an eighties song

to play air guitar to as she dances/slides across the hardwoods.

"When I see you smile

I see a ray of light, oh oh,.." -Bad English

 

A sappy movie, a bag of popcorn, & a box of Kleenex.

"Love is like the wind...You can't see it, but you can feel it." -A Walk to Remember

A good book by Jan Austen,

“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel,

must be intolerably stupid.”

or maybe some E.E. Cummings,

"and maggie discovered a shell that sang

so sweetly she couldn't remember her troubles"

Just a normal

Grey, rainy, quiet

my kind of Day

Jesus, my One Thing

"There is no one else for me, none but Jesus..." 

Jesus,

when spoken that name brings joy, strength,

peace, dominion, faith, & hope, to name a few...

He is my Way-Maker, Strength-Bringer,

Star-Breather, & Hope-Creator.

 He is my Light & Life.

He holds me up & carries me when necessary.

 He knows the difference in my needs & wants,

and knowing these things He spoils me beyond measure.

He is my everything,

anything,

my One thing. 

Now you know why,

"there is no one else for me..."

 just my Jesus.

Against Hope Believing in Hope

It's been too long since my last posting and perhaps my blog slacking has been a good thing. This year has been an emotional torrent. It kicked off with a bang and continued to slide into a downwards spiral. But that negative spin stopped in May. Once again my Perfect, All Knowing, All Powerful, Forever Faithful SAVIOUR grabbed my shoulders & redirected my steps, placing me on the right path.
Over the summer I found my soul and rediscovered my love for Him & His Words.
As I began to immerse myself in the Word, I found myself drawn to old notes written throughout my Bible. While reading, I began to recall the GOD Promises placed in my life. Upon this, I started searching His Heart & reminding Him of those promises. But like the frail human that I am, I began to doubt His Word & His Promises.

I found myself in the valley between hopes...

Why hadn't I seen this Promise come to life?
What happened to that Calling I thought was given me?
Where did my Isaiah assurance go?
When will the Divine Word come to life in me?

I've read the book of Romans many times but somehow this week when reading I was drawn to particular scriptures in chapter four.
Romans 4: 18-21
18Who against hope believed in hope, that he might become the father of many nations, according to that which was spoken, So shall thy seed be.19And being not weak in faith,... 20He staggered not at the promise of God through unbelief; but was strong in faith, giving glory to God; 21And being fully persuaded that, what he had promised, he was able also to perform.

As I sat reading over that scripture, I felt the mental, emotional, spiritual knock to my soul. Abraham was given a promise, a promise that according to the world's logic, should have never come to pass. But he never lost hope. He "against hope believed in hope!"  Against the ticking clock, against the thoughts of his peers, against the murmurings of his weak humanity, against all odds he fully BELIEVED & kept HOPE in the promises of God. Read verse 21: "And being FULLY persuaded that, what HE had promised, HE was able also to perform."
And not only was he fully persuaded that God could & would do want He had promised, Abraham did not stagger in the face of the promise. He knew his GOD, WAY-MAKER, STAR-BREATHER was more than compatible of fulfilling the given promise. He didn't doubt the abilities of GOD!

Against the taunts of my flesh,
against the disbelief of my peers,
against it all...
I won't stagger at the weight of the promises given to me. I won't allow human timing to cause doubt. I won't hold back waiting.I must continue to trust in HIS divine ways! To believe that HE is GOD & that which HE promises, HE will do in HIS time

I must trust in HIM and against hope believe in hope...

Divine Veracious Plans

Have you ever devised the best plan for your life? It's perfect. Your metaphorical ducks are in a row.

And then,...Life Happens.

Things change.

Plans shift from the precise order you designed.

What do you do?

You become like a toddler, kicking and screaming up at the Heavens.

"What are YOU thinking, GOD? Don't YOU see? YOU'RE messing up the Plan!"

This has been my scenario for the last couple of months.

I make this "fantastic, infalliable plan."

 HE could never create something as masterful as this plan

 and I just know this  is what HE has for me...

You would think I'd learn not to make plans without consulting my all-knowing Creator.

But this poor erring human must learn the hard way.
HIS plans are not always my plans....

I have to learn to acknowledge HIM when creating plans.
And know that I won't always understand HIS Purpose behind HIS Plan.
"Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?" Proverbs 20:24
I just have to trust the Divine with my life.
HE created it, so I must trust HIM.
My Dad used to sing a song that says,
 " When you don't understand, when you can't see HIS plan-trust HIS Heart." 
 I am learning (the painful way) to trust in HIM with everything that I hold.
HE loves me and HE has artfully designed a magnificant plan just for me.

"I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own;
it is not for man to direct his steps."-Jeremiah 10:23



So continue to guide my willful steps, God...I'll follow.

Transcend in 2010

2010. Just saying it makes me feel evolving. It's like breathing cold air after a hot, hard workout.

*deep breath* ahhh,...refreshing.

I must say 2009 was an interesting year for me. I'm ashamed of my 2009 life in some aspects, proud in others...

Confession? It was a spiritually low year for me. I feel like I didn't push as hard as I could have, dug as deep as I should have, climbed as high I would have. I was a mellow Christian in '09. 

But.

It's 2010.

A new start.

Fresh.

Clean.

I'm ready. I've started cleaning out that old rubbish that clogs down my soul. Those habits & tendencies that drag me down.

I am going to transcend to new levels in 2010.

I'm tired of being a normal, average Christian.

It's time to rise above medocrity, the levels of the oridinary.

It's time to be Christ-like.